Coaching Style Discipline (Part 1)

Coaching Style Discipline. I call it this because this style of discipline is a way of guiding and teaching children using a cooperative and supportive approach rather than punishing and scolding.

Instead of telling children what to do, the emphasis is on encouraging positive behaviour by redirecting, using positive language, asking simple questions that the child is able to answer and incorporating positive reinforcement. These tips will help your child to develop their own skills of self discipline and self regulation.

Here are some guidelines:

1)  Redirecting behavior: When very young children engage in undesirable or

unsafe behavior, such as throwing toys, pinching, hitting or biting a coach-style response involves gently redirecting their attention to a more appropriate activity. For example, saying, "Let's play with the ball over here instead," and demonstrating the desired behavior.

a)  Infants and toddlers do not have the vocabulary necessary to answer questions with words but they are still able to effectively communicate through actions such as shaking or nodding their head, walking away, facial expressions and intonations in their voice.

b)  Something we see often in our infant and toddler classes are children expressing their desires in ways that adults see as negative such as pulling hair, pinching  hitting and biting.

c)  We also see that these behaviours cause much angst for parents; both for the parent of the child delivering the behaviour and the one receiving. It is important to remember that there are no bad children. These behaviours are part of the child developing and learning what is acceptable and not acceptable. As we all work together we are helping our children to grow.

2)  Using positive language: As parents and educators (let’s be honest, even teachers are not perfect), when we see children hurting each other our first instinct is to say “no”, “stop”, “be careful” , “what are you doing” in somewhat of a heightened tone. Training ourselves to change a no into a yes or a positive statement takes effort and practice. (Don’t worry children give many opportunities to practice this skill.)

I call it “positivizing” the word no. Instead of telling a child what not to do, turn your no into a yes. For instance, rather than saying "Don't run," say "Walking feet please." This helps children understand what they should be doing rather than focusing on what they shouldn't.

a.  Acknowledge their feelings and offer alternatives with boundaries: “I see you want to stay and play. Would you like to hold my hand or Tommy’s hand to go to the car?”

b.  Encourage problem solving and patience: That isn’t a safe choice right now. Let’s put our thinking caps on and figure out what we can do while we wait. What do you think we could do?”

3)  Cooperative Approach: Instead of telling, ask questions. Using phrases such as: do this or don't do that, be careful, watch out, stop hitting etc ., a coaching style discipline helps the parents and educators to work together with the child and help them to understand the reason behind their behavior.

a)  For instance: Two Children are pushing each other. You can see that in any second one of them is going to push too hard and what started out as play turns into a fight. What can you do?

i)    Intervein calmly by calling the children by name. Call them to you and at eye level (I call it eyeball to eyeball), ask a question. “Are you both playing? Give time for the answer.

ii)   Are you both having fun? Give time to answer

iii) Explain what you see. “I saw that you were both having fun, but the sounds of your voices have changed and they do not sound happy now. What changed?” Give time to answer.

This approach encourages open communication and mutual respect.

4)     Positive Reinforcement: The focus on positive reinforcement is to highlight positive discipline that promotes an increase in the desired behaviour, strengthen a trusting relationship between yourself and the child and reinforce a sense of self confidence and self esteem in the child.

a)  My mom used to say, “Catch them doing something good and let them know you noticed.” How you let them know, does make a difference. 

i)    “I noticed that you stopped the game when you saw your brother was getting upset. How did you know when to stop?” At first the sibling that stopped the game may not even understand themselves and that is ok. You can then follow up with.  “I guess you must have seen he was getting upset, right?

ii)  When children are very young they need the adults in their lives to help them discover what they may already know, though they are lacking the terminology.

b)  To learn more about helping children develop an emotions vocabulary check out this link here.

In essence, coaching-style discipline is about creating a supportive environment that fosters growth and development while addressing behavioral issues in a constructive manner. These strategies work well when applied consistently. Please remember that if this is all new to you, it takes time to master them. Even then you will falter as you learn and sometimes even after. None of us are perfect and we are all on our own journey. Don’t beat yourself up when this happens or judge others too harshly either.

As we positivize the word no for our children, we also need to positivize our emotions with understanding that we are all on a learning journey through this thing called life!