LEADERS ARE GOOD AT PROBLEM SOLVING

Developing problem solving skills with children is one of the most challenging things for many adults. It takes time and patience but for some, a skill we often have not developed well in ourselves. Quite often we tend to settle disputes between ourselves and children with actions such as “time outs”, or taking the toy or privilege away.

I will admit I, like many others, was guilty of this. If 2 kids were fighting over a toys I would say something like this: “Who had it first? Then give it back.” If they both claimed the same thing I would say something like; “Okay since you both can’t agree neither of you get to play with it.” If they protested I said; “Too late you had your chance.” What I did not realize then as I do now, I was creating an atmosphere conducive to resentment building rather than problem solving.

Life is full of challenges and children need to develop great problem solving skills, as they do their level of cooperation will increase. That being said there are a few prerequisites we as adults need to consider.

1. Be present;

• When it is necessary to intervene before things get out of hand, used this time as, what I call, a “teachable moment”.

• As an example imagine one child is about to take a toy from another, the adult can intervene saying, “I can see you really want the toy. I wonder, is there another way to get the toy besides taking it?”

• Science has actually proven that we actually believe ourselves more than others. By encouraging the child to answer the question and come up with his own answer, he is more likely to remember better than if he was told the answer.

Often adults will meet a child’s aggressive behavior with their own aggression. If our aim is to instill problem solving skills in our little charges we need to recognize that this is an issue between the children. The adults need to lead by example. Here is an important question to ask yourself before you speak; “Whose issue is this?”I know because I have been there too. However if we hope to set a new standard than we need to start with ourselves. I saw the incredible difference in my own life when I made the choice to see their issue as theirs and not mine. It is actually very liberating.

2. Remain calm and use a non-critical and non-judgmental tone;

The idea is to coach the child through the problem solving process, helping them to discover the other child’s perspective and help him to come up with alternative solutions.

When we get upset we are actually creating a mountain out of a molehill so to speak. Our child becomes more overwhelmed and things can take a very negative spin downward. When everyone is upset there will be no resolution, only resentment.

3. Follow the problem solving techniques listed below.

By accepting that this is not a personal issue for you, you can approach the situation with more confidence. The idea is not to solve the child’s problem but to guide them as to how to create solutions to problems for themselves therefore, your attitude must convey;

• Loving firmness; which tells the aggressive child, “I will not let you hurt our friends”. Children feel safe when they know that the adult in their world is truly looking out for them. There is an old proverb that states that a child that is not disciplined feels unwanted and unloved. When we take the time to lovingly correct our children the message being received is; “You are so important to me that I want the best for you.” When a child knows that they are held accountable for their behavior it actually helps them to want to do the right thing.

• Let me clear this up with a story.

  • My granddaughter was playing with some of the other children in our preschool program. She wanted something that someone had and decided she would just take it. She reasoned that it was her toy and that she should be able to play with it any time. The rule in our home daycare was, if you bring your own toys from home you need to share and if you don’t want to share you need to keep in your bag, or in her case her room. My daughter intervened, reminding her that we don’t take toys from our friends because it hurts their feelings. She then followed the following steps.

1. Empathy; which says, “I can see you really want that toy.” She acknowledged her daughter’s desire to have her toy back. Then walked her through the problem solving approach.

2. Problem solving approach; which helps the child to come up with a more positive solution; “I wonder what would happen if we asked, ‘May I have it please?’.” My granddaughter replied, “I can ask instead of just talking.” Then my daughter replied, “Then talk to your friend please.” So she said to her friend, “Can I have my toy back please?” And the other child gave it back.

3. Alternative suggestions; if the answer is no, suggest that the child say, “Can I play with it when you are done please.”

Before we can expect problem solving skills from a child we need to give them the tools. We teach them what to say and when it is appropriate to say what. Keep in mind that you may have to do this over and over before they are able to come up with the answers on their own.

Often either one or both parties have been offended during an altercation that requires problem solving, usually an apology is required and amends need to be made. In our program we teach the children to apologize to one another when this happens. But just saying sorry is not enough. They are taught to say what they are sorry for and depending on the offense, make amends.

We believe that the word sorry means nothing if it is not followed up by action. For instance, one day 2 of the children were squabbling over who was going to be first in a game they were playing. Child 1 who we will call Jane pushed child 2 who we will call Jill. I intervened upon witnessing this altercation. Though having seen what happened I asked the girls to explain what happened from their separate points of view. I then walked them through the problem solving approach as mentioned above. Gave them some tools of how they could come up with a solution for themselves.

They apologized to each other and part of making the amends was to ask for forgiveness from the other. We also believe that the child has the choice to say no to giving their forgiveness; but will also remind them that to not forgive hurts only them and not the other person.

Then we encouraged the child to put into action the tool that has been suggested. In this situation I suggested that because they could not agree on who would go first, that they ask someone to say the little rhyme, Eeny Meeny Miney Moe. They asked me and I agreed. For the rest of the week and even from time to time even now if they can’t agree they will use this little tool among themselves.

All that being said there will be times when you may not be able to intervene. If the incident has already taken place you can still problem solve the issue using the above tips only this time have the children take turns telling you what happened from each of their perspectives. So to recap;

• Start by asking each what happened letting each one give their version without interruption from the other child.

• Clarify what you have heard beginning with, “Jill, I hear you saying…” and “Jane, I hear you saying…”

• Now that each feels as though they have been heard and validated, ask how they think things could have turned out different.

• Walk through some alternative scenarios with them.

• Have them decide on what they can do going forward.

• Have them apologize to each other.

• Resume play.

I am sure you have noticed this already, but many adults have difficulty with solving problems. Few of us have had any lessons on communication. Most of what we have learned was from our family and peers. I have heard people say about a child they have witnessed hitting, grabbing, spitting or some such aggressive behavior, and if truth be known I have even said it myself; “ Oh that one is going to be a problem as a teen.”

But I do want to caution you. Just because a young child has moments of aggressive behavior does not mean they are on a violent track for the rest of their lives, it usually means they need more guidance, love and compassion from the adults in his or her life.

Our role as the parent, coach or childcare professional, is to help young children develop problem-solving and communication skills. We can help children clarify situations, consider consequences, and explore alternatives to aggression.

It is also extremely important that the adults in his/her life be on the same page to provide the consistency that a child needs to learn these valuable lessons.

If you are a parent, create a plan to work with the other adults in your child’s life, your spouse or partner, grandparents, other family members, teachers, coaches or childcare professionals.

If you are a childcare professional do the same with the parents and other staff with whom you work with concerning the child.

This being said I also understand that there may be some who will not get on board with your plan. I encourage you to be consistent with those that will support you and if possible, limit contact with those who do not.