Unraveling the Misbehavior Mystery

You and your toddler are having a great day at the park you , laughing and playing, swinging on the swings, sliding down the slides and you ran and chased each other all the way home. You made lunch together and served his lunch on a green plate and then it happened. "The meltdown".

You scratch your head in confusion. What happened? Things we going so good. What is this all about? This pleasant and happy little boy turned into a little monster, screaming, kicking and lashing out!

You can feel your own emotions going south. What do you do? Let's take a closer look.

First let’s briefly look at what causes the misbehaviors we see in our infants, toddlers and preschoolers.

It really starts in the brain. Our children are born with millions and millions of synapses which is a perfect tool to prepare them for rapid learning in the early years.

Think about it for a moment. In the first years of life a child learns to walk, talk, interact with others, problem solve, start becoming independent and so much more.

Of course they need the adults in their life to teach and guide them. As parents, we have a great influence on the development of the children in our world. How we speak, play and interact with the little one we are raising helps build the child’s interest and skills. We have the awesome privilege and responsibility of creating the leaders of tomorrow.

Our goal then is to provide a safe nurturing environment where parents/guardians and early childhood educators work together to provide a place that encourages positive growth.

What happens in the brain between 0-5?

The brain is created biologically to be shaped through experiences. Through these experiences the circuitry of the brain is formed. It is divided into various sections such as motor skills, sight, hearing, emotions, vision and organization.

Having a positive connection between a child’s cognitive and social-emotional development is instrumental to having stable and nurturing relationships. Truly you can’t have cognitive development without social development. Therefore if a child’s environment and experiences are positively balanced the brain develops healthy circuitry. If there is much uncertainty and instability the brain's circuitry is disrupted. If a child is exposed to this disrupted environment a breakdown in the brain circuitry happens which over time can cause many issues both cognitively and emotionally.

The brain develops in spurts which occur around the age of 2 and again in adolescence. For the purpose of this book we will be concentrating on the early years “spurt” and what happens and how this contributes to the unwanted behavior we sometimes see.

During this time period the synapses in the brain double because there are so many changes happening physiological, neurologically and emotionally. Having a basic understanding of this will help you understand what is happening inside your child’s brain and body.

Looking at the composition of a child’s brain we see three parts of the brain that can help us to see what is happening physiologically in our little one’s brain.

The amygdala is the part of the brain responsible for emotions. The hypothalamus is the brain center that controls unconscious things such as heart rate and body temperature.The prefrontal cortex is the part that is responsible for controlling emotions and behavior. In young children that part of the brain has not yet developed yet so something inconsequential to us will set off an emotional overload to a toddler or young preschooler.

In short, the brain is divided into two sections. The emotional and the logical or cognitive brains. The first, the emotional brain, is more primitive and speaks the loudest in the early years. The logical brain develops as the child grows and science now tells us that it is not fully developed until the mid 20s.

We have now discovered that during a tantrum a child is experiencing two main emotions, anger and sadness. This is important to note because the way we handle things when a child is having a melt down can make a big difference.

For instance, if a child is having an angry outburst she may not want to be touched while a sad outburst, the child may not want to be left alone. The tricky part is they are often feeling both strong emotions simultaneously.

Why do children misbehave?

During a temper tantrum or meltdown the emotional side of the brain takes over the logical side of the brain. In that moment there is no reasoning that can take place because the whole body is being controlled by the primitive emotional brain. In other words the brain's threat detector is working overtime.

Often the child is not aware of what incited the outburst. Asking what happened, why are you upset etc., is usually unproductive especially if the child is nonverbal.

So what to do, what to do!?

Step 1 is to recognize your own emotional state and ensure that you're calm and rational. If you feel heightened yourself, step away and take a few breaths to compose yourself. Otherwise there is no way you will be able to effectively calm your child down with the following steps.

Step 2: Identify your child’s emotion and empathize in a way that your little one can understand. Approach him slowly and quietly.

• Get down to his level.

• Use short phrases to reflect his feelings “You are mad, mad, mad”

• Use a compassionate tone of voice

• Determine by observing their body language or words if it is a good idea to reach out to them physically. Respect their space.

• On the other hand, if he is hitting or kicking you you can say in a low yet firm voice. “I am not for hitting or kicking”

• If possible, redirect him to something that is safe and say. “I can see that you are so angry you want to kick and hit. I am not for hitting or kicking. You can do that to that pillow over there.

Step 3: Connect with your child, give him the words that he does not have to explain what triggered the tantrum. Talk about what you've seen and heard.

• “You are really disappointed because I gave you the green plate and you wanted the blue one and that made you feel very upset because I didn’t give you what you were expecting”.

I realize that step 3 may require a bit of practice to get the hang of, though it is important to master as this will help your child to learn how to communicate more effectively as his vocabulary develops.

Step 4: Once things have calmed down, you can talk about the event and build a picture of what really happened. During the tantrum your child will not be able to remember what happened because the logical part of the brain is also the part of the brain that stores short term memory and during an outburst of temper it is not functioning. It is really common that after a period of dysregulation, the brain does not recall the events.

Here is how the story may go for this scenario.

• “I was getting your lunch ready and chose the green plate because I know it is your favorite colour. But you didn’t want the green plate today, you wanted the blue plate. I didn’t know that and when you saw the green plate it made you upset and angry.”

• Tell the story in a calm and understanding tone ensuring that the child has the opportunity to communicate either verbally or nonverbally his agreement or correction of what triggered the outburst.

• This allows the child to have an understanding of what happened and helps him to stay in control and even learn from the experience.

Taking the opportunity to debrief and allow for understanding and once the heightened emotions are settled and the tantrum is completely over, then and only then, is time to talk about behaviour and consequences if necessary.

Keep in mind that if your toddler or young preschooler is having a melt down it is not a personal attack on you. At this age they are struggling between being totally reliant on you and wanting to be independent but do not yet know how to accomplish this.

They need to be taught a more positive and productive method of getting attention which is what is being accomplished by following the steps above.Very young children do not have the skill set to self regulate and need your help to example appropriate self regulation.

Often children copy the adults in their lives so if the adult gets mad when things do not go their way, the child will see this and copy. (Just sayin’)

Misbehaviour is typically a cry for help and/or attention. Children need routine, predictability and consistency. With this pattern temper tantrums will still happen but minimally and following the steps we have covered together with the following concepts we can reduce the frequency.

I should state that if your child’s behaviour continues to worsen rather than improve and in your gut you sense that there is more going on with your child then listen to your gut and seek professional help. Early Intervention is extremely important.